S.A.R. Program for Squirrels !

The Scotsman
Squirrels to be given contraceptives
HAMISH MACDONELL SCOTTISH POLITICAL EDITOR
SQUIRRELS are to be given contraceptives in a project approved by Scottish ministers, The Scotsman has learned. The Executive has agreed to fund research into immuno-contraception for Scotland's grey squirrel population. Ministers want to know if contraception can be given to squirrels safely and effectively and whether this could solve the problem of the rapidly expanding grey squirrel population and the declining red squirrel one.

GREY CULTURE AND RED PERIL - A COMIC'S VIEW
THE American grey squirrel, like its GI counterparts, is over here, over-cute and over-sexed. It's overrun the native red variety, which has been pushed to the edges of Scotland, like ginger boys in a disco. Am I surprised ? No, frankly, I'm not. Just like everything American, grey squirrels are bigger, tougher and, most importantly, the male grey would appear to have a way with the laydeezz. Scottish reds tend to sit around mumbling about railway timetables and beer mat collections. The threat must be dealt with. Other nations may go about with double barrelled shotguns giving Johnny Foreign Squirrel what for, but not for us the shoot-to-kill policy. Instead, we're going to get the squirrels to fire blanks and persuade them to Use Contraception. But why the Executive expects squirrels to take to this when they can't get the human teen population of Scotland to use it is beyond me. The contraceptive is some form of chemical - so why has it not been tried with Bacardi Breezer? There is certainly no point in trying to teach a workshop of squirrels how to use condoms. They can't even remember where they left their nuts. • Susan Morrison is a stand-up comedian